Social Networking Etiquette

For those of you who know me personally, you would have all be enlightened with my ladylike behaviour and high standards of social etiquette. This can normally be witnessed on a Saturday night when I am vomming in a gutter and spraining both of my ankles; and relived on a Monday morning when my work colleagues ask to hear my weekend stories. As a role model in this particular field, I have decided to share with you my thoughts and feelings on etiquette within the realms of social networking sites.

My old friend Wikipedia says that etiquette is a code of behaviour within a society or group. Now, it's these little codes on social networking sites that get a little bit warped by some of our delusional 'friends' who decide that sharing aspects of their lives via the internet is acceptable.

This brings me nicely on to a long list of things that I find completely and utterly unforgivable. Frequent status updates. You always have that one person on Facebook who updates their status about 12 times a day informing you what time they woke up, what they had for breakfast, what their cat's sick looked like, that they had a long day at work and didn't arrive home until 7pm and still had to do a food shop and cook dinner before they could have a bath with scented candles and enjoy a glass of wine. You've also got the person who updates you on how their life is falling apart and that they're so upset and can't believe how their so-called friends would treat them this way. Then, when someone asks them what's wrong they reply 'doesn't matter' or 'I'll text you.' NO YOU WON'T, YOU WILL AIR YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC THANK YOU VERY MUCH. That's like luring a homeless person into a soup kitchen and then telling them there's no food for them. Also, embarrassing feeling related updates (which is sort of related to my previous post about PDA) I honestly could not care how much you love your baby boy and that without him you may as well not exist. Because right now, seeing that is making me want to find a utensil to stick down my throat and bring up my pasta salad.

Another small issue I have with social networking sites is that on some occasions, particularly bank holidays, as a young, single, non-mother, I cannot check my Facebook. The reason being is that my news feed is clogged up with children. Now, I'm sure it is VERY different when you have your own child, but seriously I do not wish to see your ugly baby. (I'm going to point out here this is not directed at anyone at all, because all babies are hideous.) If I have to read about someone's child and how it's learnt to go to the toilet in a potty - so it fucking should, its a human - or how it has learnt to say 'DaDa' (which isn't an actual word, it's reduplicated babbling). Similarly, I don't want to see 14000 photos of  your baby, how much it weighs or what it had for lunch. If you want to share this information, the most reasonable solution would be to make it it's own profile.


Now, as much as I fully appreciate a good photo of someone, paying a middle aged pervert to take photos of you does not under any circumstances make you a model. So when I see an album named 'modelling' I normally have a quick flick through to see how horrif they are. There is ALWAYS one of the 'model' sat in a circle type window-esque shape wearing kitten heels and a flower-patterned dress. Just for anyone who doesn't quite understand what I'm getting at here, these are all vile things. Also, the girl is usually an absolute terror. Now, I'm going to write this part quickly in case I throw up on my laptop. 'Modelling' albums of couples it ultimate cringe. Oh em gee, it's making me feel nauseous. Standard piggy-back pose and staring longingly into each others eyes. Just no. Negative. Absolutely not. On the subject of photos, Instagram is a wonderful thing I fully appreciate it. However, getting into a bath with a full face of make-up and taking photos of your self is 100% not gawj, and will potentially make people delete you. And no one wants to get into Facebook politics now do they.


The issues that I have raised will probably have offended some of you. And to be quite honest with you I really do not care, because re-evaluating your social networking skills would be highly recommended. For any of you who are considering this as an option, I will be running workshops every Tuesday from 7pm-9pm to help prevent you poor people from ruining your lives.