Hating on Dating

A lot of people have been moaning at me because I haven't blogged in a little while. Soz, but it's mainly because I've got a life and have been working on my tan so that when I am catapulted into the public eye, people will be able to see how gawj I am and I can attract many a minx to be my cultured chico. Speaking of chico's that is what I would like to examine today, well more of the meetings of chico's and chica's. Or dates as normal people would say.

Now I can't really say that I am a pro when it comes to going on dates, not because I'm not a fantastic individual but because I actually haven't been on very many in my 22 years of being alive. However, between me, 7 of my best girl mates and other good friends who have shared some hideous stories with me, I thought as a united front of men and women across the globe, we could come together and appreciate the awkward-ness of dates and the situations we have found ourselves in.

Dates when they go from bad to worse in a matter of seconds can be humiliating for both parties. When all you want to do is crawl into a small hole and die if it meant never seeing the person sat in front of you ever again. When you would rather gouge your eyes out with a blunt spoon. When you text your mum to tell her how arrogant the guy your on a date with is. When you think you've done exactly that, but in fact you've sent it to him. Yes, one of my best friends did exactly this. He then proceeded to update is Facebook status to 'is arrogant' and probably got about 63 likes. Another indication of the evening taking a nose-dive is when the person who you are out with decides to tell you about their previous first dates. "Once, I got arrested for drink driving on a first date." Babe, you're really not selling yourself here whilst you're on your 3rd beer and you're meant to be taking me home. Again, another real life qualm. As much as I would take great joy out of naming and shaming the people involved here, I'll save them from the humiliation.

Pre-date arranging and/or discussions can be just as painful as the actual dates themselves. What happens if you're meeting them in the evening but you haven't heard from them all day? Maybe give them a text, ask them if they're still on for tonight? Well this is what my friend did (who is the same person who text her mum), and got a reply similar to this (and maybe slightly exaggerated on my part) 'sorry babe, I'm seeing my nan.' WHO stands up a date (a very hot date may I add) for their NAN. I wouldn't even stand someone up for my nan and she's got one leg. Blackmailing someone into a date is also something that should be avoided if it can. I have been a victim in this particular field, and I can vouch for 99.9% of the worlds population that it does not work. Just because you think I owe you something does not make me want to go for dinner with you. 

What are you allowed to do on a FD? Hand holding. Negative. My friend had an unfortunate experience where some guy tried to hold her hand and in a moment of pure disgust, she pulled away with such force that she fell over. Think it was safe to say that did not develop into a blossoming relationship. How many of us have gone to the cinema on a first date and felt a small arm creep around your shoulders? So, so awk and embarrassing, I just can't deal even thinking about it. Cinema seats are so uncomfortable as well for it, you're both sat bolt upright and the girl has to sit there with her head jutting forward so the guy can fit his arm in between her neck and the seat. Just don't do it. When the date is over and you're about to leave you have a lot of judgements and decisions to make. Did it go well? Is the person next to me also thinking what I'm thinking? Will we go out again? Are they going to go in for a kiss? Did I brush my teeth before I left earlier? Oh god I had garlic bread with my pasta. ABORT ABORT! But seriously how do you leave it? Awkward hug? Kiss? Kiss on the cheek which will only result in both of your cheeks touching with no lip-on-cheek action. It is a highly problematic circumstance to find yourself in, and I wish someone made a manual for this kind of thing.

If someone, anyone, a good natured-soul has the answers for me and anyone else who is clueless about this, then please let us know. I need to become a professional dater by the time I am living the high life as I can imagine a swarm of 8.5's and above will be waiting patiently for me to pick them, so that they can take me out and wine and dine me, and then realise I am their soul mate and one true love.