Hating on Dating

A lot of people have been moaning at me because I haven't blogged in a little while. Soz, but it's mainly because I've got a life and have been working on my tan so that when I am catapulted into the public eye, people will be able to see how gawj I am and I can attract many a minx to be my cultured chico. Speaking of chico's that is what I would like to examine today, well more of the meetings of chico's and chica's. Or dates as normal people would say.

Now I can't really say that I am a pro when it comes to going on dates, not because I'm not a fantastic individual but because I actually haven't been on very many in my 22 years of being alive. However, between me, 7 of my best girl mates and other good friends who have shared some hideous stories with me, I thought as a united front of men and women across the globe, we could come together and appreciate the awkward-ness of dates and the situations we have found ourselves in.

Dates when they go from bad to worse in a matter of seconds can be humiliating for both parties. When all you want to do is crawl into a small hole and die if it meant never seeing the person sat in front of you ever again. When you would rather gouge your eyes out with a blunt spoon. When you text your mum to tell her how arrogant the guy your on a date with is. When you think you've done exactly that, but in fact you've sent it to him. Yes, one of my best friends did exactly this. He then proceeded to update is Facebook status to 'is arrogant' and probably got about 63 likes. Another indication of the evening taking a nose-dive is when the person who you are out with decides to tell you about their previous first dates. "Once, I got arrested for drink driving on a first date." Babe, you're really not selling yourself here whilst you're on your 3rd beer and you're meant to be taking me home. Again, another real life qualm. As much as I would take great joy out of naming and shaming the people involved here, I'll save them from the humiliation.

Pre-date arranging and/or discussions can be just as painful as the actual dates themselves. What happens if you're meeting them in the evening but you haven't heard from them all day? Maybe give them a text, ask them if they're still on for tonight? Well this is what my friend did (who is the same person who text her mum), and got a reply similar to this (and maybe slightly exaggerated on my part) 'sorry babe, I'm seeing my nan.' WHO stands up a date (a very hot date may I add) for their NAN. I wouldn't even stand someone up for my nan and she's got one leg. Blackmailing someone into a date is also something that should be avoided if it can. I have been a victim in this particular field, and I can vouch for 99.9% of the worlds population that it does not work. Just because you think I owe you something does not make me want to go for dinner with you. 

What are you allowed to do on a FD? Hand holding. Negative. My friend had an unfortunate experience where some guy tried to hold her hand and in a moment of pure disgust, she pulled away with such force that she fell over. Think it was safe to say that did not develop into a blossoming relationship. How many of us have gone to the cinema on a first date and felt a small arm creep around your shoulders? So, so awk and embarrassing, I just can't deal even thinking about it. Cinema seats are so uncomfortable as well for it, you're both sat bolt upright and the girl has to sit there with her head jutting forward so the guy can fit his arm in between her neck and the seat. Just don't do it. When the date is over and you're about to leave you have a lot of judgements and decisions to make. Did it go well? Is the person next to me also thinking what I'm thinking? Will we go out again? Are they going to go in for a kiss? Did I brush my teeth before I left earlier? Oh god I had garlic bread with my pasta. ABORT ABORT! But seriously how do you leave it? Awkward hug? Kiss? Kiss on the cheek which will only result in both of your cheeks touching with no lip-on-cheek action. It is a highly problematic circumstance to find yourself in, and I wish someone made a manual for this kind of thing.

If someone, anyone, a good natured-soul has the answers for me and anyone else who is clueless about this, then please let us know. I need to become a professional dater by the time I am living the high life as I can imagine a swarm of 8.5's and above will be waiting patiently for me to pick them, so that they can take me out and wine and dine me, and then realise I am their soul mate and one true love.

Social Networking Etiquette

For those of you who know me personally, you would have all be enlightened with my ladylike behaviour and high standards of social etiquette. This can normally be witnessed on a Saturday night when I am vomming in a gutter and spraining both of my ankles; and relived on a Monday morning when my work colleagues ask to hear my weekend stories. As a role model in this particular field, I have decided to share with you my thoughts and feelings on etiquette within the realms of social networking sites.

My old friend Wikipedia says that etiquette is a code of behaviour within a society or group. Now, it's these little codes on social networking sites that get a little bit warped by some of our delusional 'friends' who decide that sharing aspects of their lives via the internet is acceptable.

This brings me nicely on to a long list of things that I find completely and utterly unforgivable. Frequent status updates. You always have that one person on Facebook who updates their status about 12 times a day informing you what time they woke up, what they had for breakfast, what their cat's sick looked like, that they had a long day at work and didn't arrive home until 7pm and still had to do a food shop and cook dinner before they could have a bath with scented candles and enjoy a glass of wine. You've also got the person who updates you on how their life is falling apart and that they're so upset and can't believe how their so-called friends would treat them this way. Then, when someone asks them what's wrong they reply 'doesn't matter' or 'I'll text you.' NO YOU WON'T, YOU WILL AIR YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY IN PUBLIC THANK YOU VERY MUCH. That's like luring a homeless person into a soup kitchen and then telling them there's no food for them. Also, embarrassing feeling related updates (which is sort of related to my previous post about PDA) I honestly could not care how much you love your baby boy and that without him you may as well not exist. Because right now, seeing that is making me want to find a utensil to stick down my throat and bring up my pasta salad.

Another small issue I have with social networking sites is that on some occasions, particularly bank holidays, as a young, single, non-mother, I cannot check my Facebook. The reason being is that my news feed is clogged up with children. Now, I'm sure it is VERY different when you have your own child, but seriously I do not wish to see your ugly baby. (I'm going to point out here this is not directed at anyone at all, because all babies are hideous.) If I have to read about someone's child and how it's learnt to go to the toilet in a potty - so it fucking should, its a human - or how it has learnt to say 'DaDa' (which isn't an actual word, it's reduplicated babbling). Similarly, I don't want to see 14000 photos of  your baby, how much it weighs or what it had for lunch. If you want to share this information, the most reasonable solution would be to make it it's own profile.


Now, as much as I fully appreciate a good photo of someone, paying a middle aged pervert to take photos of you does not under any circumstances make you a model. So when I see an album named 'modelling' I normally have a quick flick through to see how horrif they are. There is ALWAYS one of the 'model' sat in a circle type window-esque shape wearing kitten heels and a flower-patterned dress. Just for anyone who doesn't quite understand what I'm getting at here, these are all vile things. Also, the girl is usually an absolute terror. Now, I'm going to write this part quickly in case I throw up on my laptop. 'Modelling' albums of couples it ultimate cringe. Oh em gee, it's making me feel nauseous. Standard piggy-back pose and staring longingly into each others eyes. Just no. Negative. Absolutely not. On the subject of photos, Instagram is a wonderful thing I fully appreciate it. However, getting into a bath with a full face of make-up and taking photos of your self is 100% not gawj, and will potentially make people delete you. And no one wants to get into Facebook politics now do they.


The issues that I have raised will probably have offended some of you. And to be quite honest with you I really do not care, because re-evaluating your social networking skills would be highly recommended. For any of you who are considering this as an option, I will be running workshops every Tuesday from 7pm-9pm to help prevent you poor people from ruining your lives.

The not so Super markets

After my first post, I already feel like a small-time, modern age Shakespeare. The next Perez Hilton if you will. With my super stardom on the brink of discovery I will soon be waltzing around getting papped, with the general public screaming my name from across Fleet High Street. There will come a time when I won't be able to put the roof down on my car in fear of being grabbed by a crazed stalker.


On a slightly more mundane note I wanted to express my thoughts on supermarkets. Now, I'm not sure if I have to say anything here in case I get in trubs for slander or whatevs, but basically please don't make me go to prison for anything I'm about to say. Because quite frankly, I will end up becoming some Welsh lesbian's bitch. And for those who haven't heard about 'Pigeon-gate', to cut a long story short, I chased some rats with wings and then got beaten up in Cardiff city centre by a group of dykes.


Now, it's not too much to do with the actual supermarkets that qualm me. Although, they could do with putting some heating in the frozen section because surely the freezers keep themselves cold, and it really puts me off having to buy my chicken dippers. Oh, and Morrison's could have a serious re-think about why they insist on putting crisps and TV's in the same aisle. My ish is more to do with what happens at the tills.


You'll casually saunter up to the check-out with your trolley full of turkey dinosaurs and dental floss (obviously there will be other items in the trolley too), and start organising your collection of goodies onto the little conveyor belt. In front of you will stand a woman wearing an anorak and sensible shoes. She will be carrying her handbag like the Queen does and have 4 items to pay for. She'll stand there for a while and watch you load all your things on to the conveyor, and probably clear her throat a few times whilst you do it. Then, she will reach with her boney little hand and grab one of those little divider thingys and slam it down behind her 4 items and infront of your turkey dinosaurs, just so you know that she is not paying for your weekly shop. Since when was there such a crime wave of supermarket check-out tailgater's? People have been stealing stuff in a much simpler way for years, I was a seasoned pro when it came to Woolworths and their Pick n Mix, just chill old lady.


Probably the worst thing about being at the check-out is the fucking ridiculous questions they ask you. You've just loaded your shopping onto the till. To get all these things there you have used a large metal basket on wheels to escort them around this shop. At some points, manoeuvring was difficult and you struggled to avoid slamming into the fish counter. A pre-pubescent child getting paid £4.70 an hour then asks you, "Would you like any bags?" No, what I thought I would do is carry all of this shopping in my two arms out of the shop and then manage to open the boot of my car and put everything in it without any problem whatsoever. Or occasionally "Do you need help packing?" Well to be quite honest with you, I've managed to find these items all by myself but I don't think I have the mental capacity to put them in plastic bags so I will need the help of a full time fleece-wearer to do this for me. Actually, whilst on the subject of ridic questions my all time fave is "Have you been to Nando's before?" and every time they ask me I want to stand up and shout WHO THE FUCK HASN'T BEEN TO NANDOS?


I'd also like to bring your attention to self check outs. The machines that are supposedly meant to save us time so we can go about our day without having to queue for long, so you can participate in more activities and enjoy your life. Well, that is until you get stuck behind an old person who can't figure out how to scan everything and after 10 agonising minutes of watching them and wanting to do it for them, they manage to press 'cancel transaction' and the whole painful experience starts all over again. When you finally get to buy your belongings, you have a woman telling you to place your items in the bagging area when you already have and asking you to wait for assistance when you don't need any. 


Basically, if you're a CEO of Tesco, Sainsbury's, ASDA, Morrison's or any other supermarket and you're reading this I think firstly, you should get off the internet and do some work, and secondly you should re think your check-out strategies and mix it up a bit and get rid of all these tez questions we get asked. Ok thanks bye.

PDA

So I previously gave this blogging malarky a go and tried to write about things I like etc but I just found that the general consensus was that it was erring slightly on the boring side and no one actually read it. So in my efforts to become a small local celeb I have decided (with some encouragement from friends) to blog about my views and opinions on the world.


Just to warn you if you don't know me, I hate a lot of things and most people think I'm being agg but I'm actually not, I just don't continually walk around pretending that my life is amaze thinking I'm so fucking big time. 


Anyway, I would like to introduce to you, a small selection of opinions of PDA. That is; public displays of affection. This was brought to my attention today in a conversation with my friend, who for the purpose of this exercise I will not name because we were discussing how most of the male species are C U Next Tuesday's (soz, but you are).


First of all, I would like to clarify that I am more than happy being single because it actually means I can go out at the weekends and not have to worry about my morals if I meet an absolute minx. But is escalator kissing reallllllly necessary? Ok we get it, you're stationary for approximately 30 seconds on a moving metal staircase with hand rails that have probably been touched by about 4000 E-Coli ridden children, and you can't keep your hands off each other for that half a minute, but it just cringes me out more than my life. And it's always so convenient that the girl is of slightly lower height than the guy and is on the step in front and they look longingly into each others eyes, discussing whether or not they should head to DFS to get a sofa that will still be on sale in 3 months time in between this nasty display of public affection.


Also, swimming pool kissing. I don't really need to expand on it other than it's really inappropriate. Just looking at them I run the risk of getting AIDs or worse, pregnant. And there's always the questionable leg wrapping which genuinely makes me want to vom. Thinking about it is making me pull a face of disgust, bleurgh can just vision two wet faces in a pool, so tez.


I will also briefly discuss general hand-holding and other kissing scenarios. Holding hands is fine, a casual stroll down the street, a brisk walk along a grassy knoll, a romantic roam along a beach. But when an obstacle approaches, just let go for a second. You can rejoin your grasp after, it's not an ish. Just please do not go out of your way to avoid said obstacle and go round it the same side as your partner. Also, holding hands across a table is a big no-no in my books, it surely can't be that difficult to eat a meal on your own... do you actually need moral support to put food on a fork and put the fork in your mouth and then chew that food? Please refrain. Queue kissing qualms me quite immensely. I don't understand why when you're waiting to buy a dress or at the cash point or any other small queue for that matter, that couples need to kiss each other. Negative, stop.


If anyone else has any other large PDA's that they would like to share, please let me know. I will add this on to my growing list of things that annoy me. Or even better, if you see someone participating in the above activities, point them in the direction of this blog so they can see for themselves what hideous creatures they are.