After my first post, I already feel like a small-time, modern age Shakespeare. The next Perez Hilton if you will. With my super stardom on the brink of discovery I will soon be waltzing around getting papped, with the general public screaming my name from across Fleet High Street. There will come a time when I won't be able to put the roof down on my car in fear of being grabbed by a crazed stalker.
On a slightly more mundane note I wanted to express my thoughts on supermarkets. Now, I'm not sure if I have to say anything here in case I get in trubs for slander or whatevs, but basically please don't make me go to prison for anything I'm about to say. Because quite frankly, I will end up becoming some Welsh lesbian's bitch. And for those who haven't heard about 'Pigeon-gate', to cut a long story short, I chased some rats with wings and then got beaten up in Cardiff city centre by a group of dykes.
Now, it's not too much to do with the actual supermarkets that qualm me. Although, they could do with putting some heating in the frozen section because surely the freezers keep themselves cold, and it really puts me off having to buy my chicken dippers. Oh, and Morrison's could have a serious re-think about why they insist on putting crisps and TV's in the same aisle. My ish is more to do with what happens at the tills.
You'll casually saunter up to the check-out with your trolley full of turkey dinosaurs and dental floss (obviously there will be other items in the trolley too), and start organising your collection of goodies onto the little conveyor belt. In front of you will stand a woman wearing an anorak and sensible shoes. She will be carrying her handbag like the Queen does and have 4 items to pay for. She'll stand there for a while and watch you load all your things on to the conveyor, and probably clear her throat a few times whilst you do it. Then, she will reach with her boney little hand and grab one of those little divider thingys and slam it down behind her 4 items and infront of your turkey dinosaurs, just so you know that she is not paying for your weekly shop. Since when was there such a crime wave of supermarket check-out tailgater's? People have been stealing stuff in a much simpler way for years, I was a seasoned pro when it came to Woolworths and their Pick n Mix, just chill old lady.
Probably the worst thing about being at the check-out is the fucking ridiculous questions they ask you. You've just loaded your shopping onto the till. To get all these things there you have used a large metal basket on wheels to escort them around this shop. At some points, manoeuvring was difficult and you struggled to avoid slamming into the fish counter. A pre-pubescent child getting paid £4.70 an hour then asks you, "Would you like any bags?" No, what I thought I would do is carry all of this shopping in my two arms out of the shop and then manage to open the boot of my car and put everything in it without any problem whatsoever. Or occasionally "Do you need help packing?" Well to be quite honest with you, I've managed to find these items all by myself but I don't think I have the mental capacity to put them in plastic bags so I will need the help of a full time fleece-wearer to do this for me. Actually, whilst on the subject of ridic questions my all time fave is "Have you been to Nando's before?" and every time they ask me I want to stand up and shout WHO THE FUCK HASN'T BEEN TO NANDOS?
I'd also like to bring your attention to self check outs. The machines that are supposedly meant to save us time so we can go about our day without having to queue for long, so you can participate in more activities and enjoy your life. Well, that is until you get stuck behind an old person who can't figure out how to scan everything and after 10 agonising minutes of watching them and wanting to do it for them, they manage to press 'cancel transaction' and the whole painful experience starts all over again. When you finally get to buy your belongings, you have a woman telling you to place your items in the bagging area when you already have and asking you to wait for assistance when you don't need any.
Basically, if you're a CEO of Tesco, Sainsbury's, ASDA, Morrison's or any other supermarket and you're reading this I think firstly, you should get off the internet and do some work, and secondly you should re think your check-out strategies and mix it up a bit and get rid of all these tez questions we get asked. Ok thanks bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment